Hi, NG. I randomly had the idea to post here. I've been wanting to start some sort of journaling for a while, but diving in and starting is hard. But I figured instead of an unpublished word document or a livejournal or something, I'll just post here. There's a couple of reasons: one, my life is pretty insane and publishing about it in detail could lead to hilarity from people that read it, and two, my memory is really bad these days and I'll benefit from keeping this journal. I don't want to just air it all out on Facebook or whatever, so, let's do this. Lolynot

I'll start off by saying, my relationship with NG is mixed. I grew up here, but it's changed. I used to have a huge stack of Portal awards, but most of my work has been unpublished. Whenever I join the community and engage, I always feel unfairly censored and banned willy nilly. But, a few years ago when I tried to rejoin the community and engage again, NG actually gave me a drawing tablet. This was right before COVID, and it went into storage and I haven't ever used it. I'm also a hack and don't know how to draw for shit, and it would have benefitted someone else much more. I probably came off very ungrateful the next time I got mod corrective action and left the site.

But, I don't like being an asshole. I try to express this self awareness and engage honestly with people and not hide away this shame or insecurity. And maybe... It's not my fault entirely? A cop out, surely, but I have this brain tumor, you see.

Last August, I went on a trip over to Houston to see Primus, Puscifer and A Perfect Circle in concert. Rode with a friend, my former coworker, who was tired and asked me to drive home. Well, I had a seizure and crashed the car. I was diagnosed with a brain tumor. Who knows how long this thing has been effecting me! I had some wild moments leading up to this. I'm on probation for attacking a man with a baseball bat, after a life with absolutely no criminal record. Before my arrest, however, I drove to Mar a Lago for a photo op of the Nazi HQ. I just wanted a picture of the building, but when the valet was freaking out because I parked somewhere I shouldn't, I grabbed a knife and started slashing tires in the parking lot. The sheriff actually contacted my family and sent photos of me with a sniper bead on my chest. Maybe I'm a total scumbag, but I think this thing has also been stirring me up. I'd like to think I'm better than this.

So, fast forward a couple weeks and I'm almost burning down the Subway I work at in the middle of a petite mal seizure, so I get suspended. Did I mention I was homeless? After COVID, I had no job and put all my stuff in storage to live in my car and hit the road doing Uber Eats. I was going to concerts all around the country, I went to New Orleans and made gooooooooood money during Mardi Gras, and that's how I had the mobility to go down to Mar a Lago. I was there for Tyler, the Creator and seeing what the Miami market was like. So I got arrested in Vegas, flown to Texas, and released on probation. The man I assaulted was a tenant where my mom lives and even though he was gone, the landlord just didn't want me there. So I had a tent in the woods. It was a posh set up all things considered: I had several extension chords strung together from my mom's house, the "tent" was actually built out of cattle panels and pretty spacious, I had a window unit A/C and heater, and a pretty comfortable mattress. A couple weeks before the accident, my boss awarded me employee of the month (first one she awarded, and really employee of the quarter because she said she would only drop money on this every 3 months), and reached out to me about the tent living and offered me a room in her home. Then she had to suspend me! But I earned some sympathy, and my mom was allowed to move me in.

I had a girlfriend, believe it or not. We started off living in my two cars and traveling together, but her dumbass wouldn't make the payments on the 2019 (I was driving the little used Chevy Spark and let her have the good one). She made plenty but refused, even refused to let me pay it, and before it got repoed just dropped it off with the keys in it. We then had a weird on again/off again thing when she went back home with her parents, then for a job on some ranch in Colorado and we weren't physically together. But, we had gotten back together, and after this tumor news and everything, she stepped up and asked me to marry her to get me on her insurance. LOL

So, how did that end up? Well... She was living in Austin and driving for Amazon. It was a 5 hour trip one way, but we saw each other and were really strong, seemingly. We got married, but I was at the time on an anti-seizure med called Keppra. This shit made me insane. Or so I'm told, because I formed a grand total of about 2 memories in the 3 months I was on it. We identified this problem, I switched to Dilantin, and she said I changed. We were still puppy dog newly weds, but I wasn't getting any feedback. I was sending wake up love notes every morning, and she never responded. So I stopped, and she kept working up this big huge failure of expectations because I'm a different man than she married a couple months ago. She doomscrolls TikTok a lot and got into the autism spectrum oubliette, and diagnosed herself. She has a diagnosis of bi-polar disorder that she says is wrong and doesn't seek treatment for, but now is convinced she has autism. She diagnosed me as not having it, and said, quote, "I can't believe I married somebody without autism." One of the next conversations, she told me I've lost too much weight and I'm not attractive anymore. At my biggest I was 280 at 14 years old. Today I'm below 150. She's in her 300s and says I'm just not attractive now. After some more expressions of dissatisfaction, a few days later she breaks up with me. The next day, she calls back to tell me it's really over and we will never get back together. The day after that, she calls in a panic attack explaining why she was just sent home. They gave her van to another driver, so she got a van she's not used to. The charging port didn't work and some other thing I don't remember, so she freaked out and they sent her home. On the way out, she told them, "well you might as well just fire me since I'm gonna kill myself anyway." I get her to calm down and actually agree that she needs to use this insurance and seek some help. We get off the phone and she says she's going to call and try to set an appointment. She calls back a little while later to inform me that they sent her an email terminating her and she lost my insurance.

Here's a fun part, the very next thing she does is walk into a Wawa by her house. She's visibly upset, the girl at the counter asks and she spills her guts, then the girl tells her they're hiring for overnights and it pays more than Amazon. She tells the girl she can't do that.

So, since then she removed the married status on Facebook, then visibly marked herself as "single," then blocked me on TikTok and unfriended me on Facebook and I haven't heard shit since.

So, now I live on my mom's $700 a month Social Security and can't work and it no insurance and ideklol

We're all getting evicted lol. The landlord hasn't paid the taxes in 16 years an the city is putting the house up for auction.

I probably started this post with the intention of a brief summary and then explaining like, a current snapshot, but I'm pretty tired. All this aside, I'm dancing in the ashes. We're all going to die anyway under Trump, so who cares? I'm still having fun and I'm in great shape and learning and laughing. Me and my mom like live music. We went a couple weeks ago to see Ministry doing their early work that Al Jourgensen refused to acknowledge for 40 years. And after seeing this man perform 10 times before this, I finally met him. As I type this I'm in a sleepless delirium from the most recent Houston trip where we saw Foxy Shazam last night. It was an insane trip involving a Trump supporter basically changing his opinion after talking with me, dead sober hallucinatory palinopsia (trails[[tumor symptom? LSD flashback?]]), a swinger couple trying to fuck me, rock and roll royalty, and sword swallowers.

I'll leave it at that for this first entry. But here's a copy and paste of my Facebook post detailing the Trump supporter mentioned above.

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Last night I came to Houston to see my old friends, Foxy Shazam. When me and my mom go on these little excursions, we hop a bus to Houston, attend the show, then catch a bus home the next day. After the show we hang out all night in Houston. So anyway, this morning a homeless man came up to us. He didn't ask for anything, he was just really timid and quiet and wanted someone to talk to. Didn't ask for change or cigarettes or anything. After talking for a few minutes, he got teary eyed and I gave him a hug. We talked for the next couple hours. He didn't tell me everything going on, but he alluded to his marriage falling apart because his wife supported Harris, and he voted Trump. He's not a regular news watcher and doesn't keep up on things like the obsessive news junkie I am. I asked him about why he supports Trump and if he still does. We discussed a lot of things, and when I told him about American-born children being deported, and cancer patients being deported without their medication, his jaw dropped. When I explained Jimmy Carter selling his peanut farm, and Trump continuing to make business deals and sell crypto currency in office, he got angry. When I told him about the letters my friends in Florida have been getting, that their Section 8 is being revoked and they have 30 days to move, or that food stamps now require home visits (that will cost more in hourly wages for these home visits than the current foodstamp budget), that their Medicaid is being taken away, he told me about his father relying on these kind of programs and struggling. His face saddened as his gaze drifted down to the ground, and he muttered two words. "You're right."